Behavior Change

“If you have set a rule, discussed it with your children and they have agreed, no more discussion!” Said Marlyn, the psychologist of Malik. “When they broke the rule, don’t argue a lot because children in your children’s age need your authority. I don’t say that there is no room for discussions, of course they also need discussions, but not for the rule that you have made. The story will be different if we talk about adolescent, we have to be more flexible, but again, in your children’s age they need disciplines,” Marlyn continued.

That was one of our conversation’s topic in our second meeting last Friday, when my husband and I came to the psychologist. Why we had to go to the psychologist, then? The story began when we met Malik’s teacher in November 2009, and he wondered whether my son like to go to school or not. He said that my son was easy to get angry, cranky, often looked sad at school and preferred to be alone. I was surprised to hear that because I also had the same problems at home, and it has been happening since 1,5 years ago. I noticed that indeed my son has changed his behaviors and it made me sad because lately, I argued a lot with him and I was often loose my patient. Before that, he was a sweet, cute,  an easy going child and I had never got a a ‘bad story’ from his teacher as well. Every body liked him and I seldom had any problems with him.

Then, the teacher suggested us to bring my son to the psychologist because he also noticed that my son’s cognitive abilities probably above the averages. He thought maybe there is a discrepancy between his cognitive and his social emotional development, but he wasn’t sure. “Oh God! Not again!” Hearing what the teacher said, I was a bit shocked. I know how difficult to raise a gifted child with social emotional problems. Although it has over now, I have experienced this with my first child.

But, I was also glad because it meant that God has opened His way to give a solution for my problems. Honestly, I was confused, didn’t know what else should I do to stop my ‘battle’ with my son. After getting the suggestion, I felt like the way to cross a bridge has been opened, so I could enter my son’s world. But, again I was surprised when knowing the fact that the problem is not in my son, but it is on me!

In our second meeting, Marlyn gave a conclusion what has been happening actually and how to solve it. Marlyn said that there is nothing wrong with my son, he is a healthy child and smart.  In the next meeting there will be an IQ test for my son, so we can get a comprehensive result. But Marlyn was quite sure that the problem right now is just behavior problems due to something in family circumstances, and it is temporary. Giving time for a discussion whereas no more discussion was needed has made me argued a lot with my son. In addition, Marlyn said that my son is smart, so he can ‘manipulate’ me when there is a time to argue. “Besides, it must be hard for you, you must be stressed because you have given up your doctor’s job for several years. It makes you sometimes loose your patient, ” Said Marlyn.

Oh God! He is definitely right. He knows it! Then, I realized that since 1,5 years ago, when we prepared to move to Amsterdam, my heart was not fully in my family again. I felt that my time to take care of my family is enough and now is my time to pursue my career. I was so eager to continue my study and sometimes when I got bored and depressed, I said to my husband,”Now is your turn! I don’t care anymore about the children!” Crazy, isn’t it? But indeed, I have experienced that feeling when I was in a bad mood. And Marlyn was right, without my consciousness, I was changed and as if a domino effect, it had made my son changed his behaviour too. Oh God, how could I do this!

Suddenly, my tears were hovering in my eyes. I was sad to remember my feeling and my previous job. “Yes, I know this is my fault hiks hiks…” I couldn’t continue my words because my tears falled down like rain. “Don’t blame yourselves to much. That is not exactly your fault,” Marlyn told me. His empathic responses have touched me and made me couldn’t stop crying. Ugh! I wish I’m not a sensitive person who cried easily, it made me ashamed.

And our conversation was ended with a solution. I will take a mindful parenting program to release my self and to know how should I deal with my children. For my son, there will be an IQ test just to make sure whether there is a discrepancy or not. The mindful parenting program will be started next week and I think, I will like it eventhough my friend said that it is not necessary and it could be a new age study. But I don’t care. I have asked Marlyn whether this program is pseudoscience or not and he said not. I realize that I will become a respondent of their research, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t have to pay a lot, I can practise my English and I can add my knowledge about parenting, so why not? I hope this knowledge will be useful for me, for my family and maybe for my career in the future, who knows?