My wish for 2012

I have written 4 books actually, 3 have been published and 1 unpublished. The unpublished one was a long and painfull story, but I learned a lot though. That’s life. Some of my friends asked me to give the manuscript to another publisher. I thought about it sometimes, but then I decided not. I don’t have a willingness to revise and to try to publish it again. My heart is still like a broken glass, not yet recover probably or just too lazy to make a revision.

Currently I am writing another manuscript for another book, not the novel one. I can’t make the novel one because the ‘omen’ that came to me lately was so obvious: the universe has conspired and said that I have to change my plan. Honestly, I don’t like writing this manuscript, but I don’t have any other choices. I feel like I am climbing a very high mountain. This is the hardest manuscript that I’ve ever written. I become so fragile, break and angry so easy, and of course the impact is so bad: I am writing just like a walking snail.

The hardest part but also the the encouraging one is doing some research, literature review. Sometimes I feel like the more I read the more I want to stop writing. On the other hand, when I found a new thing, my adrenalin raise so high. The fact around me created mixed feelings, sometimes I just want to ignore, sometimes it wrenches my heart, but sometimes I feel so eager to finish this manuscript. I think, there is a word that can substitute my situation: roaller coaster. Yes, I am just like a player who is riding a roller coaster. The problem is, I don’t know yet how to stop, I don’t know how to make this roller coaster stop and stable so I can move forward. My husband has been trying so hard to help me, it works sometimes, but mostly it doesn’t. Oh God, I need Your help really.

I just hope that I can finish this manuscript before the due date, otherwise, this book will never be finished and published. Then I will regret it for the rest of my life as it means that I have abandoned the ‘omen’, I have ignored my duty. Oh Dear Lord I don’t want it’s happened. Then, please help to make this roller coaster stop, please help me to move.

***

Today and tomorrow are the last day of this year. Yesterday, I got a message from my family in my hometown that my uncle has died suddenly. He is still young not even 50 years old. In the afternoon he was still having lunch with his friends, but several hours later…he died. The news made me stop to work and think deeply for a moment. It reminded me about death, also about my mom and dad, my sister,brothers and nephews. My parent, they are old already, I don’t know when and how long still I can meet them. I even don’t know how many years more I would live in this world.

My husband: our first date, our first heart beating, our long love letters, our tears of happiness in our wedding day, our first kiss, our honey moon in ‘puncak tea garden’ and Malang, our happy marriage, our journey sad and happy, our fall and rise together… suddenly melancholy feeling captured me when all of those moment were popping up in my mind.

My kids: their day of birth, my painful of delivery and happiness to see them came to this world, their first smile, their first word, their first step, their weeping cry, their laughter, their smile when I picked them up at kindergarten, their first birth day, second, third…and just by now they are celebrating their twelfth and tenth birth day. Dear Lord, how time flies…

And then the popping up ‘movie’ in my mind turned up to me: my ‘plain’ childhood, a quiet girl with dark skin and short hair using white and gray uniform in boots, my senior high school with the famous ‘Nancy’ ghost, my motor cycle, my friends at College, my tough and fun time with them, study hard together, have fun together, the smell of hospital, my graduation, my first job as a GP, my first patient, the emergency room, my clinic, my first step in Bezettingslaan 30 (my apartment in Groningen), my hard life there, my move to Diemen, my struggle to get scholarship, my best time during my master study….and after a while I looked at my selves: wrinkles that start to come, fat and ugly belly, some white hairs, oh Dear I am getting old, definitely. I looked out side at my window, fireworks have been starting to be heard, 2012 is coming soon, only several hours more. My popping up ‘movie’ then immediately stopped. The only thought come afterward: what I have been doing during the life of my live, was it good enough? How about my future?

The future is frightening. Again, in 2012 I have to deal with uncertainty and dilemma. The risk is so high, sometimes I feel so afraid, but I realize that I have to move forward. Life is short, I have to find my duty and do it very well, otherwise my short life will be useless. God already give us chance, omen, and choices, now it depends on us: will we read it and perform the duty or just ignore it and regret? Then it means that my duty to write the hard manuscript also have to be finished. Yes, ideally it should be like that. I wish I could do that. It seems so hard, but I hope remembering the death and all of those ‘movie’ that popping up in my mind will make it happens. Then maybe I should create my resolution in 2012 to be like this : since life is short I wish I could find my duty and do it very well. Hopefully my wish will come true.

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About the Author: Agnes