My friends have told me, the place that I want to pursue my dream is a very uncomfortable place. Knowing their experiences and hearing what they said, I can imagine how hard it is, to be there, as if I would come in to a tiger cage.
Can you imagine? Someone who wants to be there has to pay thousands or hundreds million rupiahs, but after that she or he has no more time left for their families even for themselves. Even worse, divorce rates, stressed, and depresion increase among the participants!
Can you imagine? You have less sleep almost everyday, your body is so tired, but in the same time, you have to study hard, you have a big responsibility to the human life, your friends become your enemy, your ‘guru’ is your ‘God’, you have to be punished if you make a small mistake-whatever your reason is, you have no time for your families, you haven’t a right for study leave even though you get sick or get depressed and your psychiatrist have given some anti depressant! Is that a place for scholars or a jail for character assassinations?
Several months and weeks ago, I was so eager to go to that place, hoping so much that I can be there in the upcoming years. I felt that if I could be there I must be happy, I won’t be just a stay at home mom who longing for a dream about do something for children well being and some intellectual stimulations. But then, all of those stories have made me think twice. What am I looking for actually? Do I still insist to be there, a place that will make me apart to my family for five years more or less, combat with sorrow, waste my money, even worse if I’m not strong enough, it can kill my own characters? Am I sure? Really?
Then, I asked my husband,”What do you think? Are you sure you’ll allow me to come to the ‘tiger cage’? Are you sure you’ll be able to take care of our children? I mean, I’m warning you that I’ll have less time and energy to nurture them even just to think about them. If you let me to continue my dream, it means that you’ll allow me to give all of my responsibilities to you, I’ll put all of the responsibilities in your shoulders. Are you ready for that? Are you really sure Darling?”
I know my husband as I know my every single heartbeat, so I know what kind of answers that will come out from his mouth. He is a very wise and ‘flow’ person. He always thinks that whatever it is, as long as that is from God, we have to go ahead, whatever the obstacles are. But still, I ask him and I ask my self as well, again and again until end up in some conclusions.
Soon after, I feel that I don’t want to push my self or pray to God asking for a help so I can be accepted. No! Not again! I just want to ‘insist’ Him to give me the right way, the way to my destiny, the way that He want. If I should be there, please give me an easy way, a strong heart and body so I would be able to struggle with all of the miseries there. But if that place is not for me, please give me another sign.
Strange, but after a long time asking and praying, thinking a lot about my friends stories, still, there is a strong feeling in my heart to go there. Odd, but until now there is no sign to change my willingnes to another way yet. There is no more worried how if I couldn’t reach my dream or how if I coudn’t be accepted. I believe more now that I’m in God’s hand, there is nothing to worry because He knows what is the best for me. And the important thing is, I’m glad because I become more relax now. I feel an eagerness to enjoy my life here, moment to moment, I don’t want to think more about the future, the ‘tiger cage’. I even think that why should I longing for the place whereas I realize that there are a lot of misseries. Why don’t I just think about my life now? Happiness is a state of mind, isn’t it? Happiness is not in the future nor in the past time. Happiness is here, right now, at the present time if we can enjoy our every seconds moment!