I’m crying, again. Everybody said that I’m a happy person, always cheerful and my live is perfect. But nobodies know about my sorrow, my problems and what I feel, except my husband of course. I always said to my husband,”If my husband is not you, maybe I have got depressed and ran away from this country.” Even though I didn’t have money to go back to my homeland, probably I could do anything to leave my husband, to fly away as far as I can. Fortunately, God gives me a husband like him, a perfect husband for me. He just like an angel who can cure my broken wings so we could fly together again. He is my shoulder to cry on, my ‘harbor’ for all of my suffering. Without him, I’m nothing. Without him, I’m drowning.
Life is not easy for me since I moved here. But I realize, everybody has their own way to purify themselves, a way to become closer to God. I know that every pain in my heart, every tear that falls, every sorrow that I feel are God’s will to strengthen my heart and my faith. Six years weren’t a short period of time. With all of my tears that falls, I have learned a lot. Indeed it is hard, very hard, if I don’t have a faith that everything will be perfect in the end, maybe I couldn’t bare to live here, live in a country that has no future for me. Every misery give me a strong believe that God would never leave me, that along with every hardship is relief, with difficulty there is ease. Tomorrow is a mystery, so it is very hard to trust that everthing will be wonderful in the end. But with all of miseries that I have experienced, God ‘force’ me to believe again and again with proving all of His promises. He has pushed me with His way to strenghten my soul, like or dislike. That’s why I’m still here now.
Luckily, even though I cry a lot, God always gives me a gift to cheer me up, to make me wake up and stand up again. When I was crying just now, my son came in and gave me a hug. “I love you Mom. If you are sad, if you are crying, just remember something that you like. You like traveling, you like family time don’t you? Just remember about that Mom.” And then he kissed me again and again, hugged me again and again. “Do you want me to massage you Mom? Here must be nice or here Mom ( he put his hand in my back and moved to other part when asking ).”
Owh..my heart was melting. Heard what he said didn’t make me stop crying. He even made me cry harder because I was so touched! Then, I saw a panic eyes in his face. I understood that hearing me cry made him confused. I immediately hugged him and said, “It’s oke Honey, Mommy is crying because you are so sweet, not because I’m sad. I am so gratefull to have you Darling hiks hiks…”
“Mommy need a hug,” said my daughter suddenly with her smaller sound. She came to me with a lot of puppets in her hands. “Oh Mommy…I love youuuu…Don’t cry Mommy…Don’t cry…We love you!” She moved all of her puppets so they could hug me. “One, two, three, four…eight! There are eight puppets and all of them hug youu!” All of them hugged me together including my son. “Oh how happy I am to have you! Thank you my darling. You are really sweet children. Mommy love you soo much.” I couldn’t cry anymore because they made me laugh with their puppets.
“Mommy…you have to be like this!” My son’s hand touched my lips and pulled up the corner of my lips so he pushed me to smile. “You shouldn’t be like this Mom!” His hand touched the corners of my lips again but in the opposite. He really wanted me to be happy and he tried hard to make me happy. Oh…so sweet Darling! How can I keep my sadness with this kind of children. They made me wake up, they cheered me up. See…after a misery there always be a happiness. God won’t leave me, surely. Everything will be wonderful in the end, no doubt, I hope.