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Expectations, Reality and Dream

“Expectations can kill you, take a distance from the world, from your monkey mind, no attachment. Just be nothing..be zero… just pray, wait and give it all to the Almighty. Let God plays His scenario and keep our mind zero, because most of the time what make us suffer is our mind! “

I am a dreamer, and I put a lot of effort to achieve it. Usually I make several plans A, B, C, D, and then I feel safe and comfort. By the same time, consciously or not I also make some expectations, even create imagination in my mind what would happen with plan A, B, C, D, and what is the worst case.
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Mom and kids conversations

Having children is a blessed. They teach us a lot of things, of course sometimes they make us ‘crazy’, but it’s very often that they cheer us up with their innocence. Today is my English day, so I asked my children to speak in English with me. This 2 conversations were really in English, I just corrected their grammar mistakes here.
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Happiness in marriage, fight for it

“Don’t ever feel alone. If you are sad, I am sad. If you are sick, I am also sick. We are going through all of this together. You are not alone…I won’t let you alone. Trust me… I’ll be with you…forever…”

I felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t see anything. Dark, everywhere was dark. My tears were hovering in my eyes and I yelled out: Why? Why? Why it seems that I don’t deserve to be happy. Where are You my Lord? Just watching me in pain like this? Just standing there and smiling at me from a distance? Why? What? What again that am I supposed to learn? Why it seems that life is just like jumping from one pain to another? Don’t I deserve to be happy? hiks hiks. I am tired! And you, just leave me alone! You are busy, the children either. They are growing up, they have their own life and so do you. And I? I don’t know where am I. Just go back to work and leave me alone! Hiks hiks… I bursted into tears. Frozen.
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My wish for 2012

I have written 4 books actually, 3 have been published and 1 unpublished. The unpublished one was a long and painfull story, but I learned a lot though. That’s life. Some of my friends asked me to give the manuscript to another publisher. I thought about it sometimes, but then I decided not. I don’t have a willingness to revise and to try to publish it again. My heart is still like a broken glass, not yet recover probably or just too lazy to make a revision.

Currently I am writing another manuscript for another book, not the novel one. I can’t make the novel one because the ‘omen’ that came to me lately was so obvious: the universe has conspired and said that I have to change my plan. Honestly, I don’t like writing this manuscript, but I don’t have any other choices. I feel like I am climbing a very high mountain. This is the hardest manuscript that I’ve ever written. I become so fragile, break and angry so easy, and of course the impact is so bad: I am writing just like a walking snail.
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