Sunday, 9 January 2011
At the train, Amsterdam-Berlin
After having holiday for 3 weeks, I have to go back to Berlin, back to my student life. Honestly, 3 weeks were enough, I miss my student life already. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love my family. I do, of course. But after my children went back to school in the last week of my holiday, I got bored and captured by the same previous feeling, feeling when I didn’t study yet, feeling useless when I just stay at home and do nothing.
I saw my children went to school in the morning, and my husband went to his office. And me, I was alone, busy with looking for something that I can do until they were coming after dawning. My children, they have already grown up and are independent. They only need me during dinner time, before go to sleep and in the weekend. They are still need my present of course, but not really physically anymore. They need me more in the term of quality and deep communication. They already have their own live and in the next few years, they will face their puber time, which means, they will spend their live more with their friends.
Realizing all of those fact, then, I was overwhelmed by strong feeling that I really don’t want to go back to stay at home without nothing. Writing only is not enough for me. I have to do something more and it makes me really want to pursue my dream. My core course in Berlin have made my passion in pediatric growing more and more. And with those feeling that captured me, then I made a vow and pray,”God, if all of these feeling were from you, please let my dream come true.”
One night, I had a nice talk with my children, deep conversation. I let them know my situation, my plan and our plan to move to our country in the upcoming years. I prepared them, actually. When I told them that I really want to do my specialization even though I have to pay a lot of money and it will be so hard, my daughter asked me. “But why? You have to pay a lot and suffer there, why do you insist to go there?” I was pondering for a few moments before I answered her question. “Good question Dear.” I mumbled.” Hmh… It is because my passion. My heart always calling me to go there.” Hopefully it is from God…
One day before I left, my family and I made a party to celebrate my son’s birthday. I cooked special ‘ tumpeng’, Indonesian dishes with nasi uduk, fried chicken, urap, teri kentang balado, tempe bacem and ‘rawis’ eggs. I decorated with love form, and vegetables garnish. Almost everybody said, it was beautiful and delicious. I was pleased with that compliment, of course. Then, I told my friends about my plan to live separately for a year more or less, if I am accepted in my specialization after I finish my master. “Wow, you become an ambitious woman, don’t you?”One of my friend said. Ouch! I felt like something knocking on my heart. I didn’t know why, but that comment irritate me a bit.
The party finished and I was still thingking about that comment. “Am I? An ambitious woman? Am I? A bad mom and wife who dare to leave separately (for many months) with their family just because of her dream? Now, I am living separately, but we are still live nearby and we can meet at least every two months. But if I have to go back first to my country and live separately for a year, it means we live very far a way and we couldn’t meet really for a year! Could I do that? Do I have a heart to do that?
I contemplated and asked my self if I am so sure with that plan, or wanted to change my plan. But, my heart didn’t change. I told my husband about that question and asked his opinion.”What we are supposed to do is only follow His way. Your passion is from Him, you just follow your heart, what’s wrong with that?” Hmm..he is always like that, never change, make me so grateful all the time to have him.
But even though he said like that, and my heart still felt the same, I still wanted to make sure. I tried to read a spiritual book later on, to have another insight. Then one chapter inspired me. It said,”Every doubt is from Satan and peace is from God.” I sought an answer from my heart for quite a long time, and until now, there is no doubt, I just feel a comfortable feeling and an assurance. What I feel day by day is a growing passion and dream. Everything looks smooth by now and all of those questions just sharpen my feeling. I am glad with that finding. I hope this is a good sign and it means that I am going to the right direction.